Aardvark.

One morning, Lacey awoke to a wet, yet oddly satisfying, sensation in her right ear. "Craig, stop that," she groaned, shoving the body hunched beside her away. "Stop what," asked Craig, surprising Lacey as his voice came from the opposite side of her.

She squinted and was met by a pair of beady, black eyes. "It's an aardvark, I think," said Craig, "or an anteater, but I think we're on the wrong continent for that."

"That is the last time we sleep under the stars, unless we do so in the trees or something." She patted the aardvark (yes, it was an aardvark) on the head. Sure, it was a pleasant creature, but she much preferred Craig's wakeup kisses to its own.

Craig was about to make a comment about Lacey's beautifully messy hair, but was interrupted by a loud horn that seemed to come from all around them. The ground started to rumble, every passing second became another reading on the Richter scale. An army approached.

An army of ants, that is. A circle rose from the ground, enclosing Craig, Lacey, and Aardvarky. From it, a million holes collapsed into the earth. Ants raced out of every hole, hungry for attention... and food... and today's breakfast menu item is people! People with your choice of two side items (aardvark, hash browns, or fruit cup)!

One ant was wearing a bunch of medals, but you didn't have to see the medals to know he was the leader. He had a wicked mustache that could be seen from 10 feet away. It didn't even look like an ant was there, it was just a crawling mustache. But it was a threatening crawling mustache! He called out to the leader of the human encampment. "LACEY! SURRENDER NOW," he shouted in all caps. Lacey looked at Craig and knew what needed to be done. She took out a ball of brown Play-Doh, put it in the top of Craig's head, and then twisted his ear until his mustache was full-grown. Then, she ripped the mustache off of Craig's face and he screamed. She put the mustache on and turned to face the leader of the ant army.

"Good sir, I believe you have made a terrible mistake. You have underestimated us, I'm afraid. Actually, no, I'm not afraid, but yeah, you still have underestimated us. Nothing scares me. No, not even that, you don't even have to say it. Nope. Nope. Nope. NnnnnnnnOPE! Nnnnnnnnn-" Lacey was great at negotiating with terrorist ants. The aardvark licked its lips.

The ant leader grew weary of trying to say something and being interrupted. "ENOUGH! I'M HUNGRY! DIG IN EVERYON- NO, NOT DIG IN THE GROUND. FOR GOD'S SAKE, EAT THEM!" The ants opened their jaws and marched forward.

"Alright, you hairy-pig-resembling, long-and-sticky-tongue-possessing creature, let's see what you've got," shouted Lacey. With that, Craig leapt into the ants and began stamping frantically. "Okay, aardvark, you can attack now too." The aardvark happily obliged, swinging its long and sticky tongue (yeah, it has one too) wildly and eating tons and tons of ants at a time. Craig was impressed by this, so he too tried to eat a bunch of ants with his tongue, but then the ants bit him on his uvula and he screamed.

But , eventually, the ants were gone, Craig stopped crying, Aardvarky was full, and Lacey went back to being her awesome, mustacheless self.

The moral of this story is that Craig likes you so much that he would team up with an aardvark to battle an army of ants for you, even if it meant getting bitten on the uvula.